Blame
by nishikaze
Summary: A small interlude during episode 19. It is hard to lose a friend. Even harder to lose someone we love.


**Blame**

It was well past midnight and once again Ilana was sleeping fitfully in a strange bed. It was lumpy and smelled funny but she was so mentally and physically exhausted it almost didn't matter. If not for the disturbed presence in the tiny room she might have been able to sleep.

A stream of soft curses made her finally give up on rest. She sat up and gazed across the dimly lit room to the tiny desk Lance tirelessly worked at. He was slumped over the remains of Octus poking and prodding with his tools, trying desperately to revive their friend and companion. The ugly clock on the bedside table glowed 2:30am with offensive red letters. Lance cursed again and jumped up, the tension clear in his stance. His hands clenched in silent rage, the muscles in his back stiff.

_Enough. _Ilana quietly slid out of bed and stood up. Ilana reached out and place a palm flat against the muscles of his back. Startled, Lance turned his head to look back at her. The shadows of the room hid his face from view. "You should be asleep."

"So should you." Ilana didn't remove her hand. She shifted closer.

Lance turned back towards the desk. "I have work to do," He replied gruffly, "I'll sleep when it's done."

"Lance, you're exhausted. Get some rest. You can try again in the morning."

Lance tensed up and clenched his fists tighter. "We'll be moving on in the morning. This has to be done. If we don't get him back…" He paused and she felt him shake with pent up anger. "So far everything I've tried has failed. I'm… I'm just no good at this. I don't know what else to do, but I can't stop until I figure it out! I have to solve this."

Ilana stayed silent while he ranted, he had done his best for her and for Octus over the past week and a half but she knew his anger stemmed from something else. Something he kept bottled up inside in typical Lance fashion. Over the past six months Lance had gone from a virtual stranger to her closest friend and companion. She knew he kept so much bottle up inside and hid the truth that was Lance. His need to feel useful and his kindness were hidden by old scars, rage and the mantle of his military background. But Lance had to let it out before he snapped and it hurt her to watch him.

"It isn't your fault." Lance stepped further to pull away from her hand but she followed, moving closer to him.

"I know it isn't." He didn't look at her.

"Do you? Do you really? Lance, I mean it. IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT." She stepped even closer.

"Dammit Ilana, I know that! I do! I didn't cause that beast to cut the rope. I didn't cause Octus to save me and risk himself like that. I KNOW it isn't my fault but…" He took a deep, unsteady breath. "If only I had climbed that rope faster… or reacted faster when I saw that thing attack. I know it isn't my fault but the guilt just doesn't go away! And I keep thinking how useless I am as protector without him, and how little I can do to help him. It just won't stop. We needed to keep him safe and we… I… _failed_. Now, we don't have Titan but it doesn't matter. I… I just want Octus back."

Ilana wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her face into his back. "I miss him too. I loved him."

Lance deflated, the tension left him suddenly only leaving despair. "I know you loved him too, Lance and I know that he loved us. That he loved you. That's why he chose to sacrifice himself. I think he knew that he could be revived, but if that thing got to you… Lance you could have died!"

"Ilana," Lance's voice was soft, "I'm a soldier. I am always prepared to die, I exist to fight the enemy, but I am expendable. Any other soldier can do what I do, but there is only one Octus."

Ilana gasped and moved around him. She cupped his face in her hand as she looked up at him. Her eyes were wet and her chest was heaving from unspent tears. "Is that what you believe Lance? That you are expendable? Lance, we would have never gotten so far without you! My father saw something special in you and it took time, but I see it too. So did Octus. Lance I love Octus, but I love you too! It hurts to think that you think nothing of yourself!" The tear spilled from her eyes but her expression hardened with anger, "Don't EVER talk about yourself like that again! I _need_ you. You and no one else! You're my family now!" The rage dissipated quickly leaving only sadness and she wrapped her arms around him again. Burying her face in his chest she mumbled, "You dumb, hardheaded… jerk!"

Lance froze not sure what quite to do with the sobbing princess wrapped around his waist but he let her words sink in. Deep down he had felt that he was a disappointment to her, just like he had been to her father. By letting Octus take the blow meant for him he had let her down. They had butted heads so many times and they very rarely saw eye-to-eye; he thought she didn't like him much. To learn she not only didn't blame him but she considered him family and even loved him. It took time for him to process. But ever as her hot tears steeped through his shirt to cool his skin he felt himself get warmer inside. The guilt began to dissipate and he felt cleansed.

Her tears had washed away his guilt and shame. He placed his hands tentatively on her shoulders and after a moment he allowed himself to hug her back and when her embrace grew tighter so did his. They stood there for what seemed like an hour before she pulled away and he reluctantly let her go. "Come to bed Lance. Let's get some rest." Her eyes looked up at him, her exhaustion clearly evident. Suddenly he felt the adrenalin that had kept him moving fade away. He felt heavy. He glanced toward the only bed in the room, a queen. It had been the only room available at the time and Lance had let it go thinking he wasn't going to sleep much anyway. Now he regretted it, and the thought of that lone bed made him long for it and grossly uncomfortable at the same time.

"I'll sleep on the floor. Just give me a blanket and a pillow."

"No." Her jaw locked and her expression became amusingly familiar. "You will sleep in the bed." Her expression softened, "I trust you. Lance. And you need to sleep." She paused, "Please."

There were so many reasons why the thought of them sharing a bed was wrong but Lance found he was too tired to care. He knew she was too precious to touch and the truth of it was, he loved her too much to betray her blind trust. He realized as well that she needed the comfort. Losing Octus had hurt her too. He sighed and relented, "Okay, I will. Just get back into bed; I'll be there in a minute." When she didn't immediately let him go he added, "I promise."

She looked up at him for a moment searching his face and nodded. She let him go. He walked to the bathroom while she lay back down in the bed, rolling over to the other side of the bed, her back to the bathroom door. It was only a few minutes later when she hear the door open. She heard a click of the lamp switch and it grew dark, the only light from a neon sign outside the window. She felt the bed shift and give way to his weight. She sighed and shifted, finding a more comfortable position. "Good night Lance."

She heard a sleepy sigh and could tell he was already half-asleep, "Goodnight Ilana."


End file.
